Letter to Myself as a Brand-New Mama

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HEY THERE NEW MAMA,

First of all, happy Birth Day! I know birth was nothing like what you expected, but you rocked it! Years from now you will look back on what you did and be so proud. As hard as it was, your daughter’s birth made you who you are today.

It’s gonna be quite a rocky road from here. But don’t worry, you will make it. Not only will you make it, but you will thrive. It will hurt and it will be so hard. But you will never go wrong, because you will always let your love for that tiny little person guide you.

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SHE’S SO FREAKING TINY BUT SHE WON’T BE FOR LONG.

She will feel so tiny and delicate and it will put you in a constant state of fear, vigilance and protectiveness. Her legs are so skinny, her hands so small it will constantly remind you of how vulnerable she is, and how much she completely needs you. That’s ok — even when you don’t think you do, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE NEEDS. And before you know it, she will be huge and strong. Every time you look at her it will remind you of what a good little mama you are — you kept her alive and safe and healthy for this long.

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THAT DESPERATE LOVE IS A GOOD THING.

I know it’s so intense and terrifying. But that crazy love you feel for this little girl is beautiful and right. That love will change and grow, you will get to know her so well and anticipate her needs, you will cherish her for who she is and love her in every new stage. For now, she’s still a stranger and that’s ok. You love for her is like a first love — overwhelming, scary and intense. Follow your heart ~ that love will keep her safe.

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YOU WILL LEARN HOW TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER.

Of course you don’t know how to take care of her yet. You just met her. You will doubt yourself and feel like you are making every mistake. You will wish you were wiser, and that mothering came naturally. One day it will. But you just gave birth to her. No one else in the world is her mama, and no one can teach you how to fill those shoes. You’re just going to have to trust yourself, and do your best.

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YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT.

Life is crazy, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. You will move five times in your daughter’s first two years. She will have her first stomach flu in a hotel room. You will be more broke than you’ve ever been in your entire life. You will second-guess yourself constantly. You will want what’s best for her more than anything, and feel like you are failing. There will be many, many times when you will feel lost — lost on a map, and lost in your heart. You will long for the things you can’t have, to be a person you haven’t become yet, for a community that you haven’t found yet. Don’t worry. YOU WILL.

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YOU’RE A GOOD MAMA.

In the midst of it, you will feel completely unsure of whether things will ever work out. Your sadness and anxiety will come from the fear that you aren’t good enough. You will love your baby so much that you will want to give her everything. You will want to be her everything. Please remember – you already are. Being a good mama doesn’t always feel like the sun shining. Sometimes it feels like a flash flood. It’s a sink full of dirty dishes and a dinner that’s burning. It means that things will fall apart and you will figure out how to put them back together. Being a good mama doesn’t mean protecting her from bad things ever happening. It means that when the bad things happen, you promise to never, ever give up. post-x-mi-mamacc81-me-ensencc83occ81

{My mama taught me to fight.}

I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.

Look into the mirror. I’m so proud of that woman. I’m proud of her today – the one with the messy hair, the leaky boobs, the dark circles under her eyes. I’m proud of her for the woman she is, and the woman she will become. I’m proud of her for being vulnerable enough to love as though her life depends on it. I’m proud of her for facing the things that scare her, and for being brave enough to fail. She’s a mess – and I wouldn’t change her at all.

Love, Your Future Self

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